The Fog, The Mist, or The Clearing: Which Stage of Singleness Are You In?

Suddenly or not so suddenly - the relationship is over. Like many natural disasters, there is little you can do, if anything at all, to be fully prepared for the event and the aftermath. Whether you saw it coming or not is irrelevant because when it hits, it hurts.

In the aftermath, there is immense loss, seemingly irreparable damage, and it changes everything. Loss of a relationship or the breakdown of one is a highly critical time for individuals. The steps they take and the support we as a community of friends, family, and professionals offer, is equally critical.

Sunday night was the Inaugural Event of "Embracing Single", a Singles' Wellness Initiative that I have recently undertaken to focus on supporting individuals in Single Wellness. A dynamic group of singles mingled over coffee, and participated in a few community-building activities, then engaged in a group discussion.

One of the many takeaways for me at this event (that will now be a monthly event) was the stark reminder that we are all in various stages of our journey with singleness.

If I was to describe to you exactly how depression feels, having experienced depression more than once in my life, I could do a fairly good job of conjuring up enough memories of my mental and physical symptoms to describe my experience. But it would never capture its intensity, depth, or darkness as when I actually experienced it.

And if I was to describe the pain of childbirth, being 18+ years ago now, I could try to muster a memory of it, but the physical pain has buried in my distant memory and washed away by the highly capable and independent young woman who is my beautiful daughter today. The image of the event is now a completely different thing, not the pain of the event that gave life to her this many years later.

What I was reminded of at Sunday night's gathering of singles is the emotions and feelings of what it felt like a few "stages" of singleness ago. I was reminded of the rawness of it, the chaos that goes with it when emotions are just beneath the surface, of the mental anguish, and the emotional turmoil. And it's not that any of this was visibly seen at any time during this amazing event but let's just say there was a presence of it.

This reminder and awareness helped me broaden my scope of reach to singles in order to address the "other stages" of singleness.

Before you go about "Embracing Single", which I call Stage 3, you may need a little help "Stepping Into Singleness", which I call Stage 2. And you may be trying to do both and you dance in between the two. And that's okay.

I'll briefly describe the Stages from 3 to 1 so I can end up back at where I want to be.


Stage 3: The Clearing

Embracing Single is when you begin to see yourself and your world much clearer than previous stages. It is a season of stepping into full acceptance of your present independence.

The timelines for this stage would be around the 2+ year mark, although this is not a hard and fast rule. Time for healing is essential but of course depends on the circumstances and complexities around the ending of the relationship, how long you had been partnered, how long the finality of the relationship or divorce took, etc.

Stage 3 is essentially when you are ready to welcome this single season of your life and wanting to use this time to work on self. We call this individuation which is a time of heightening and fine-tuning self-awareness (internal self, how you see yourself), and self-actualization (external self, how you present to the world). It is a time where you are choosing to stay single and/or are in preparation for being coupled again. When you do enter a future relationship, doing this work will help you be higher functioning as an individual and as part of a couple.


Join us for Embracing Single: Conversations for Singles in Greater Victoria.

But before one can embrace singleness, one must have had to step into singleness.











Stage 2: The Mist

You are in Stage 2 of singleness if your relationship ended in the last 3-24 months. You have started to experience a clearer vision, the dense fog is clearing now you are in the mist (and the midst) of the events that have transpired, you have some knowledge of what you must do to move forward, but you are aware (whether you want to admit it or not) that this would best be done with support and resources to guide you through this season. This might require asking for help rather than retracting into isolation and continuing to struggle in unnecessary isolation, which for some of us is our pattern.

You are transitioning (whether by choice or necessity) into a new identity as a single and ready to make the choice to step into a new season of healing and toward wholeness. You are open to receiving support and learning additional life and coping skills.

Some may be still going through the legalities of separation and divorce, including court proceedings, addressing the sale of assets and properties, and maneuvering complex co-parenting issues. Other may find themselves facing destitution and financial ruin, homelessness, bankruptcy, and feeling very alone in it all.

The only thing I can absolutely promise in this stage, although not much consolation but riddled with hope, is that time will take care of most of what seems to be overwhelming you right now. Time for you to work through these things, time for others to journey with you, and time for you to reach out to get the resources you need to get through it including counseling and/or coaching, support groups, community resources, trusted friends and family.

I have created a new Meetup group called "Stepping Into Single" which is a Meetup to do similar things that the "Embracing Single" group does (connection, support and community), but with the emphasis on "support group" dynamics, giving those in Stage 2 a place and space to be in this stage.

*Please note that I have made this a faith-based support group as I cannot see my way to offering everything I have to offer singles in this stage without including gently applied biblical principles to offer love, hope, and support for those struggling, as well as music therapy and prayer. Those joining the group will be fully aware of this format. Join us!

Before the mist... there is fog.



Stage 1: The Fog

The aftermath of a loss of a relationship is a critical time for self-care and seeking the help of others. Separation and divorce is a loss. In fact, this event is loss upon loss, and treatment of it and recognition of this as a loss is when the healthy process of grief can take place.

I can only imagine what it would look and feel like through images from news reports, what it would feel like to stand in a house or community in the aftermath of a tsunami. The wave hit and annihilated everything in its path. Now you stand in the chaos of what was once your life. The resources that were once there, things like shelter, power, and light, have been wiped away. Members of your community were washed away with the receding tide. You stand alone. You stand among the ruins.

This is crisis. This is life-threatening. This is going to stretch every skill and resource you have at your fingertips to get you to a place of refuge. And perhaps in your mind, you are waiting for the next wave to hit.

Stage 1 of singleness can feel much like this tsunami scenario. You are standing in the aftermath. You find yourself feeling completely alone, in a fog, and the support you seek during this time is crucial. This is when you lay down your pride (if you have any left at all) and need to dig deep. The ironies are all around you. For to become self-sufficient, you ask for help. To become independent, you must depend on healthy relationships. Finding a small group of safe people with the resources to help you through the fog is essential. This could include being in the care of your doctor, seeking one on one counselling, joining a community support group, and staying connected to a close circle of family and friends who are safe, nurturing, and supportive. The support circle can start very small. Make it safe. As the fog clears, you will know who to invite into it. Just take care. Reach out. And know you are not alone.

I trust this was helpful for you in identifying where you find yourself in your stage of singleness. Perhaps you are someone in between. Whether you are in the fog, the mist, or the clearing, I hope you feel seen and supported...

Because every one counts,


Melanie
melaniejoyhart@icloud.com | www.melaniehart.ca

Dear Younger Me: Extending Grace & Hope for Your Past, Present & Future

If you could write to your younger self, what would you say? What do you know now that you wish your younger self had known? And when you hear that inner narrative to your younger self, is it one of self-deprecation, shame, and contempt, or is it nurturing, compassionate, kind, and undergirded with empathy? Answering these 3 questions would be a good indicator of where you are at with your emotional wellness.

To embrace any life season, including but not exclusive to the season of singleness, I believe it is optimal for us to first reconcile our past with ourselves which helps us individuate.

I have a favourite song called "Dear Younger Me by MercyMe." As a songwriter, I admire the uniqueness and depth of the song. The lyrics reach into my soul's journey as they take a compassionate look back at the choices and challenges of a younger self while encouraging the present self. The song explores the choices and decisions we made then with what we knew to do then rather than the context of what we'd know to do today. This plays beautifully with the quote from Maya Angelou that I used in my previous blog. When this happens (that is, a gentle flow in theme as I create, write, and learn), I know to pay attention.

Lately, I'm able to look back at my own life from a higher viewpoint. And it looks like something is really coming together from the piles of patchworks and bits and pieces of material that has been my lived experiences. Before my viewpoint was low, obscured, and disjointed. All I could see was a mess of odds and ends of clashing colours and patterns of fabrics, like quilting squares started that didn't seem to connect with the others. And all I could feel was the cutting and ripping of the threads of the fabric while the needles and pins barely held me together... Now I think I'm becoming a beautiful quilt!

So if I were to write a Dear Younger Me letter, it would include the promise that I was going to come together one day - even though it didn't feel like it when life felt unlivable, joyless, even hopeless.

Can you see your quilt yet or are you still in the pins and needles and holding it together stage?

Permit me to take the Dear Younger Me theme even further. Let's take it into our future and imagine what we are saying to today's self which will be our younger selves in 3 months, 3 years, or 3 decades. Let's plan to write, "Well-done kiddo! You did what you knew to do with the support, resources, and skills you had then!"

As I tune in to my lived experiences, I experience the melodies in my mind like an 80s mixed tape. My songs (and in my case quite literally) are raw and dramatic and big ballads of trial and triumph, love and depression, sorrow and joy. In my case, as a singer/songwriter, I've literally sung out of those experiences and feelings. And now I say, "Well-done kiddo! Your life songs were to be shared and are now part of the patchwork of the beautiful quilt that is your life!" I might even say, "Keep going kiddo! Imagine what your quilt is going to look like 30 years from now!"

As I have progressed into the ability to extend compassion and kindness - even empathy to self (something I had an abundance of for others but lacked in extending to myself) - I think the exercise of writing to our younger selves is quite a great concept. Journalling love letters to ourselves could be such a healing experience! This exercise can help us grieve losses, help us heal from past hurt, and make healthy endings for things we would like to leave in our past so we can move forward with our future. It can also train our minds (or retrain or unlearn) to catch ourselves doing something right when many of us dwell on what we've done wrong. Doing this helps us in the here and now by bringing our present into perspective. Take it that next step and we are making good choices now so that our letters to ourselves from a future self are going to be epic!

It isn't like me to ask others or teach others to do something I haven't done myself. So I am going to try a few examples from my own life that you could try:

1. Dear Younger Me, You are going to go through a few relationships in your adult life before you learn to truly embrace yourself in a single season. You didn't make great choices because you wanted so desperately to be loved. I totally get that. I'd forgive you because you probably think you need to be forgiven but there's nothing to forgive. You didn't know how much you were loved without the need to look for it in less than ideal relationships. You did what you thought you needed to do. And it's okay. It turns out that you were loved all along, you just couldn't see or feel it for yourself. And that's okay too. You'll get it. You'll learn to love yourself more and you'll love others even more than you do now. It will just take time. Hang in there.

2. Dear Younger Me, You don't know this yet but you will discover one day that your life experiences that are hard and painful now are going to help you write songs (and blogs) that will touch the lives of others. You will have a season of songwriting and singing and sharing your experiences and it will take you to places you never imagined going - in a good way! And by the way, I also want you to know that you are loved just as you are. Some will love you because you performed for them and will withhold love when you stop. Others that should love you will discourage you, shame you, and walk away from you when you do. You'll figure it all out and be stronger for it. Most importantly, you don't need to perform in any way or for anyone to be loved. You just are.

3. Dear Younger Me, You are brave and strong. You were incredibly resourceful and resilient - and you are a survivor. Looking at younger you makes me proud. You were so brave without knowing how brave you were. You couldn't even see all you have braved to fight through your darkest of times. You couldn't yet see the perseverance it would take to keep going. Well, I do. I see you. You are not only brave and strong, you still loved others well even in your pain. I admire you for that and that is a younger me that I am taking with me into the future.

When I went to try the above exercise for myself, it was at first harder than I thought. It's a very intimate exercise. The self-affirmation part - I'm not gonna lie - felt uncomfortable. It may have been uncomfortable for you to read. How can this woman write those things about herself? Many of us were programmed not to embrace affirmation yet we were starved for it. That's when we must now parent ourselves as adults. Self-affirmation doesn't make us prideful (wrong-thinking legalistic religious indoctrination lies just beneath the surface for many of us). What it does do is build up healthy self-esteem or healthy ego that we need to move forward in a healthy way. So go ahead! If you need permission to self-affirm - I'm giving it to you! The Bible tells us to "Love our neighbours as OURSELVES." I think that's pretty clear and gives this church girl a green light for learning to love myself. It's just that a lot of us do a better job at loving others more than ourselves. Yes, I digress but this was a necessary digression!

The steps I took to come up with the above points were to remember the ways I have been hard on myself for decisions I made that I felt stuck in, or ashamed of, or lost in, and then to extend grace to myself in those situations. If you need help in doing this exercise, I'm wondering if you can think of it like this:

Extend Grace (to younger self) followed by Hope (to present and future self). Grace for what you need to forgive yourself for (not knowing or knowing how to do differently) and Hope for a better future based on the decisions you can now make moving forward. But it doesn't end there. This process is cyclical. We will always want to embrace Grace and embrace Hope for self as we will inevitably stumble our way into our future. Try having both like two walking polls by your side propelling you down life's path. Keep them handy!

And so we embrace our season knowing this is only part of the beautiful quilt that will be our life. And remember to climb up high and look down, gaze across and over the patchworks of your life - it's great perspective, past, present, and future. And I hope you can see the Grace and feel the Hope of it all on the journey.

Please write and share your "Dear Younger Me" excerpts in the comments below.

Because Every One Counts,

Melanie

Embracing Single.

Dear Sojourners,

Permit me to make a statement. Then I will write a little about what it took for me to arrive at this statement.

I encourage singles to explore self-awareness and opportunities for personal growth. Clients I work with are looking to remain single, even for a season, so that they can heal from past hurts and become fully alive in their individuality, whether or not they choose to couple again. I am not pro single nor am I against coupling. I am for the individual embracing their single season to work on self, and, while doing so, finding and building healthy communities that nurture their wholeness and wellness.

If you haven't asked yet, I'll save you the trouble. The answer is "YES." Yes, this is very much my journey, my own story. Now that we have that out of the way, here's what I want to say.

My journey to this moment, this post, this mission, has been long. It has taken my entire adult life and brought with it elements of childhood. It is the good, the bad, and the ugly of my life's path. It has been painful and more recently it has been most joyful. I have been prideful yet have arrived at this moment most humbled. I have been stubborn and that has sustained me. I have been broken and brokenness has helped qualify me.

This moment is years and tears in the making. Failed relationships, yet all along my way incredible, unmistakably God-orchestrated timely, loving friendships. Poor decisions yet embraced and graced by others with wise counsel, professional counselling, and mentoring. An unwillingness to learn taking comfort and shelter in my blind spots but eventually a necessary and earnest search, self-study, and formal education resulting in a toolkit brimming with new and sharpened skills. Career, ministry, family, and business. Successes on mountain tops and hard lessons in a heap of depression. It all has come to this vocational focus: Singles' Wellness: Embracing Single.

Take a quick Google search, and you will find topics of wellness such as health and wellness, seniors' wellness, fitness wellness; even a recent Globe and Mail article warning readers about the "wellness" trap. (It's a great read). So many resources and services are devoted to all sorts of relationship issues, marriage support, dating advice (ad nauseam), but what about taking time to get "wellness" before a new or next relationship?

When I say I promote "Singles' Wellness", I mean I am for singles taking time out in their "single season" to work on individuation. And that being self-actualization, self-realization, breaking co-dependant mindsets and beliefs, and becoming a healthy independent. Further, I believe this process is only possible and successful while in connection with a healthy, nurturing community.

I'm for those of us who have been through multiple relationships in our adulthood, including marriage(s) and/or those who are serial daters, to step off the proverbial hamster wheel and just stop. This stop or pause (whatever is comfortable for you and for however long you need) could be the most exciting, enriching, and exhilarating time in your adult life. And warning, this pause could lead to a healthier you and quite possibly, if you chose to, a healthier coupling relationship down the road!

My quirky creative mind that loves words came up with this wee phrase this morning (even before my first cup of coffee) to get my message out with a gentle nudge of humour:

"Wait! Before you date... individuate!"

See how I did that? It rhymes and everything.

Here's what I know to be true. There are many hard things about being single. In future blogs, I will share some results of a survey I'm currently conducting where I'm getting feedback from real people on this topic. (Here's the link if you'd like to take the Singles Wellness Survey.)

There are many fears that can be associated with singleness. This includes fear of living alone, growing old alone or financially surviving on a single income. (These fears are valid; however, they might not be the best driver for making relationship decisions! I will be addressing fear-based living and decision-making in future blogs.) I don't believe we are designed to be alone but it is fact that many of us are.

Did you know that singles are making Canadian history? According to the latest Canadian household census, there are more one-person households than ever before in our history! Gloria Galloway, Journalist with the Globe & Mail, writes in her article on the latest Statistics Canada Census 2016, “For the first time in the country's history, the number of one-person households has surpassed all other types of living situations. They accounted for 28.2 percent of all households last year, more than the percentage of couples with children, couples without children, single-parent families, multiple family households and all other combinations of people living together.”

And so we have more single households than ever before. But we also kmow that we need others to be healthy - emotionally, spiritually, mentally, physically. In his book The Different Drum, Community Making and Peace, M.Scott Peck writes,

"The truth is we can never truly be whole in and of ourselves."

This is why I simultaneously want to promote singleness and community. This, on the surface, appears like a no-brainer but "community" in its most authentic sense of the word is harder to attain than one might think. I want to help singles build safe, nurturing communities just as much as I want to see singles soar to new heights of individuality and wholeness! I believe they are mutually exclusive. You'll hear more about this in future blogs and workshops too!

Embracing Single could possibly be one of the greatest personal breakthroughs, adventures, and journeys of your lifetime. I could practically guarantee the life-changing consequences of making an intentional decision to embrace your singleness!

I'm going to conclude with a list of synonyms of "embracing" for you to soak in. I challenge you to take this concept of "Embracing Single" and imagine yourself actually physically embracing your singleness. Lean into it as if it's a friend not a foe. And I mean all of it. All of its pain, its fears, its joys, and its adventure. Treat each of these words like a melty Lindor chocolate. Feel the feels. Then notice what you are feeling. Baby steps. Are you ready to Embrace Single?

Welcome. Accept. Receive. Enthusiastically/Wholeheartedly Take-Up. Take to heart. Adopt. Seize. Hold. Cuddle. Clasp. Squeeze. Clutch. Grab. Clinch. Nuzzle. Caress. Hug. Enfold. Clasp. Hug. Enfold. Clasp. Bear Hug. Cradle. Bosom. Envelop.

As always, feel free to reach out melaniejoyhart@icloud.com.




Because Every One Counts,

Melanie Hart